Letter from a dear friend

I know, it's been a while since I've written anything, but I think I deserve a little break considering I just moved 7000 miles and was dropped back into my old life, with the additional challenge that I don't want to be the super depressed person I was before I left.  So I've been keeping busy, but I got an email recently that I just had to share.

Spam filters work so well that it is rare that such an exquisite example of the genre (Spam email) manages to land in my Inbox where I'll actually look at the text.  I usually just skim the subject lines in the Junk folder and then trash it all.  This email, from my good friend Adriana.  I know she's a good friend because she continually refers to me by my pet name of Babe*, rather than my real name.

It begins:

BABE... i guess your not getting any of my email huh? ive been
tryign to email u so many times but this dam laptop is such a piece of
garbage and keeps freezing.. anyways how u been?

I've been well, Adriana, and yourself?  By the way, I don't remember you.  Could you remind me where we met again?

In case u dont know who this is its ME Adriana.. we used to chat a bit on facebook and then
I think u deleted me :( haha.. anyways guess what... I got 2 things to
tell u.. both good news.. 1) im single now.. yup me and my bf broke up
about 3 months ago... and 2) guess where im moving? RIGHT EFFING NEAR
U.. lol... ur actually the only person im gonna know there.. well 3
cousins too but i cant chill with them lol..

I know about cousins.  They are the craziest, amirite? All trying to talk to you because you're related and live nearby.  It's super-annoying. Pray, go on…

I remember when we chatted u told me u thought i was cute and u wanted to chill so now we finally
can HAHA! im kinda scared to move.. im hoping this email addy is still
the one you use and u can chat with me ebfore i get there.. maybe even
help me move my shit in...are u still on facebook? i cudnt find ui was
soo confused...anyways im gonna need someone to show me the town and
take me out so u better be around bebe...

Yes, I probably did tell you you were attractive.  I hate it when women get down on themselves.  Be proud of who you are, Adriana!  I'm not going to help you move though, mostly because you're not a real person, but that's neither here nor there.

we only chatted a couple times but i remember thinking to myself i wanted to get ot know u
better when i was single..a nd i thoguth u were cute too but cudnt
tell u cause i wasnt single lol...ok so more info about me.. well im
23.. virgo.. love the outdoors and love to socialize, go out for
drinks, restaurants, movies etc.. travel.. i have a lil kitty named
BOO and i luv her to death... uhhh oh im a super horny gurl too but
every gurl is they just wont admit it. so ilove watching p0rn and all
that.. love sex etc blah blah blah...who doesnt..

OH! We only chatted a couple of times, and that's why I don't remember you.  And now you're single, 23, and love absolutely everything?  I know just the person for you! Unfortunately, I myself am not available, being a happily married woman of 30, but I'm sure we can work something out.

do u have any hookups or know anybody hiring? id LOVE to work in a bar
or osmehting like that...really anythgin cause my current job is fun
and all.. and technically i CUD keep doign it but i want a change.. i
currently work from home and well thats cool but i need ot be out
meeting people.. oh wait. i dont think i ever actually told u what i
did? hmm shud i......???? ok WELLLL... and dont get all weirded out
on me..

I'm prepared for anything at this point, Adriana.  I'm going to guess you're a gas station attendendant?  No, that would require some mathematics, and you don't appear to have had any but the most basic schooling.  I'm tired of this game, just tell me.

i work on a webcam chat community site and i get paid to chat
with people and get naked HHAHA... BOMB right :)? I KNOW.. like i
figure iim horny anyways why not get paid to chat with people and play
with myself heheh...anyways i hope u dont look down on that and NO
THATS NOT WHY IM CONTACTING U RELAX URSELF lol... i actually need help
once i move and i remembered u live there so im reaching out....like i
said before this computer is a complete piece of CRAP and freezes NON
STOP.. ive tried ot send this email to u maybe 3 times already and im
hopign this time i can hit SEND before i run into trouble lol..

Oh, dear, I think you've already run into trouble, my friend Adriana.  You are a webcam stripper who cannot seem to use a computer properly.  That's problematic in your line of work.  And now you're single you don't have a masculine presence to keep you grounded and fix your computer.  Tragic, really.  How can I help?

ANYWAYS.. heres the deal....every month natalie (my boss) gives each
of us 3 VIP codes to give out to whoever we want.. so with this code u
can lgoin to watch me at work for free and dont have to pay like
everyone else... the only way i can give u one of the codes (so we can
chat) is if you absolutey DO NOT give it out to anyone else and u ONLY
USE IT FOR URSELF... i only get 3 a month and she gets pissed if more
than 3 people use them so DONT SHARE IT MISTER... i figured u cud
always email me back instead but my email account doesnt even let me
login half the time.. so the bets palce ot chat me is my chat room...

Hmm…the offer of chatting with you for free on a webcam would be tempting, but apparently we're already Facebook friends?  So why would I need to do that?  Unless you're having some kind of skin issue that you'd like me to take a look at: suspicious moles, rashes, lice, etc.  Then it would make sense.  But remember, I'm not a doctor, I'm  a random internet person.  You might want to see a professional.  A medical professional, not a professional webcam actress like yourself.

if theres anyone else logged in when u sign in ill boot them out.. but
remember DONT SHARE THIS PASSWORD PLEASE BABE IM BEGGING U.. I TRUST
U...

Your trust is not misplaced, I solemnly swear never to share the password with anyone. 

im online most of the day now to try and save money for my move..
also since im in such a huge debt already form my student loan :( I
really thingk we need to chat before i get there and make sure u evern
remember me hahha.. anyways ive rambled on and on now and ur probably
soooo annnoyed with me so ill stop now..

Annoyed? On the contrary! I'm absolutely delighted with your email!  The content, the grammar, the spelling errors to fool my spam filter, it's a work of brilliance that has brightened my day.

im gonna go start work.. i
really hope u come chat me. it wud make my day and releive a lot of my
stress about the move... REALLY i mean that....anyways once i see u in
insdie ill shoot u myc ell number and u can gimme yours.. if u dont
wanna come chat i understand but its really the only palce to find me
now days..

You're not on Facebook anymore, Adriana?  That's disappointing.  But it does explain why you are so insistent that I check out your webcam.

if u email me abck ill probably get it once i get there
after my internet is setup so about 2-3 weeks fomr now..

It takes you 2-3 weeks to reply to an email?  That's positively rude, not to mention inefficient.  Perhaps you'd benefit from hiring a secretary to handle your correspondence.

but im hopign
to see u in my chat room.. rmemeber its 100% free with this code im
gonna give u.. just DONT GIVE IT OUT OR ILL KICK U IN THE BALLS
INSTEAD OF LICK U IN THE BALLS WHEN IS EE U hahahahha

It seems we must have had a miscommunication somewhere, Adriana (although how that's possible is beyond me, you are most eloquent in your correspondence).  I do not possess any balls that you would want to kick or lick.  I don't even own a kickball.  Well, perhaps we can work something out anyway.  You seem….flexible?

..k babe im out
for now... chat ya soon.. kisses xoxo Adriana

XOXO to you to Adriana.  You are the SpamBot of my dreams. 

*I hate being called Babe.  Don't do it.  Ever.