Game On!

Are you ready for some FOOTBALL!

The other kind

I'm not going to pretend I know nothing about football. That would be disingenuous. I know about football, generally how it works, what's going on, and I even have a favorite play! 

When a really big dude gets the ball unexpectedly and runs in for a TD

Now, I do despise football. It's violent, the NFL and the NCAA are despicable corporate entities who exist to make money at the expense of players and fans alike. If I could avoid football altogether, I wouldn't mind a bit. If a genie came to me and said "Sabrina, you can never drink a Coke again, but football would disappear from the entire world," there's a very good chance I would take that offer.

And I LOVE Coke, in any language.

Since I can't count on genie, I try and be a good sport. I don't complain too much about Dan watching football ALL DAY LONG on Sundays, and I ask my nephew about his team and listen enthusiastically. In the spirit of being a good sport, I've even joined the same football pool as Dan! Now, he uses stats and logic and math and blah blah blah to make his picks. And he's pretty good at it. First week he got second place, and over the course of last season he more than broke even. Me? I'm not going to do any of that. I'm making my picks based on one thing: How well would the team mascots fare in a cage match.

It would be more interesting than NFL RedZone

This is my first week in the pool, and so I sat down with my lunch of salad and cottage cheese, put on some show tunes, and went to work.

Please note the subtle product placement

I had to lay down some rules for myself. If I didn't, I would be tempted to cheat and use actual knowledge of football or teams to make logical picks, thus defeating the purpose of the exercise. 

Since there are college and pro games included in the pool, I decided against using the official mascots, since those are so varied and mostly dudes in fuzzy suits, and instead went with a more general idea of the team mascot. For example, UCF has two official mascots, one being a knight and one being pegasus. The team is called the Knights, so for my purposes it's a single knight going into the cage with a tiger (Missouri). I also chose to allow mascots to use the weapons they are portrayed with, so Knightro has a sword, Sparky the Sun Devil gets a pitchfork, and the NY Giant gets his huge bobble head. One caveat: no throwing. This hobbles the Redskins' mascot, because what good is a tomahawk if you can't throw it, and allows the South Carolina Gamecock to keep the razors tied around his chicken legs.

Without the leg-swords, he's just dinner waiting to happen

Also important: the arena. I chose a standard WWE cage, 30 feet high, floor space 20 feet on each side but with a ceiling. The walls and ceiling are climbable, and birds would be able to grasp the supports. 

With these rules in mind, here are my picks for this week's NFL games:

The Pittsburgh Steeler will triumph over the Baltimore Raven. Even though the raven can fly, you know workers in a steel mill would be able to catch a big bird.

The Miami Dolphin basically has no chance against anyone, but definitely not Buffalo Bill, since he's a buffalo. 

The Jacksonville Jaguar will easily scale the walls of the cage and come down hard on the Redskin mascot who isn't allowed to throw his weapon and would probably die quickly. (Editor's note: I feel dirty having to type that racist as hell name, Washington. Get your act together and change it).

The Tennessee Titan is known for his leadership skills and the sword he's shown with will defeat the Dallas Cowboy.

He's just too friendly and doesn't look armed

The Arizona Cardinal will beat the NY Giant in a long drawn out battle, ending when the Giant topples over, lacking the energy to carry his big head any longer.

I choose to believe the story attributing the name of the Cleveland Browns to boxer Joe Louis, so the Brown will trounce a Saint. 

The Bengal will win out over the Atlanta Falcon. The match would be harder to call if the Falcon had unlimited air space, but he doesn't. Sorry Falcon, rest in peace.

Although I had difficulty deciding between a Lion and a Panther, lions can't climb, so victory to the Carolina Panthers.

The St. Louis Ram is nothing but a future meal to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

The New York Jets forfeit their cage match because they don't even have a mascot! So the cheese packing company from Green Bay wins.

Historically speaking, Chiefs have already beaten the Broncos. Victory to Kansas City.

If you put a Bear and a worn-out miner 49er into my cage, you know who's coming out alive. Go Chicago!

Now, the one you've been waiting for, Shane: Houston versus Oakland. Who will I choose?

A Texan versus a Raider is a rather tough call. A Raider, as I interpret it, is basically a pirate and pirates come to fight. However, Texans are pretty tough, and there's a decent chance that the angry white dudes are packing heat. So even though a Raider might get the jump on a Texan, my money goes on the Texan.

In this pool, the tie-breaker (if needed) is the score of the Monday night game, this week between Philadelphia and Indianapolis. Of course, I want to root for Peyton Manning, because I loves me a big doofus with a sense of humor.

Peyton Manning on Saturday Night Live

Sorry I couldn't embed the video for you guys, but I promise it's worth it, even if you've seen it before. 

Unfortunately, he's a Colt, and I know when you put a young male horse into a cage with an Eagle, he's going to panic. So I'm calling it for the Philadelphia Eagles. I did use a little bit of football knowledge when making up the numbers. Philly 17, the Eagle scoring two touchdowns with the extra point and a field goal, and Indianapolis 9, a field goal and a touchdown with a failed two-point conversion.

Darker Matters: Death Penalty

I am trying to write more serious pieces, and this one is the first. If you're averse to darker subject matter, light vulgarity, or if reading things that you disagree with inspires you to send me threats, please show yourself out.
 
Today, I am a murderer.

I wrote that sentence and then had to walk away from my computer, watch some cartoons, and try not to think about it for a while. While I didn't personally pull a trigger, administer poison, or brandish a knife, I am nonetheless a murderer. And so is everyone in Arizona today.

Wednesday at about 4:00pm a terrible person was killed in a terrible way, by representatives of my government, acting on my behalf.

Another break to compose myself. This is important stuff, guys.

TGIFrasier

I have no sympathy for the man we Arizonans killed yesterday. There was no question of his guilt, and he needed to be kept away from society and prevented from harming anyone else. We didn't need to kill him. In our modern times, we are perfectly capable of housing a dangerous person in a facility for the rest of their lives. Our collective conscious doesn't have to be stained by the grotesque act of state murder and we are protected from further harm from the dangerous individual. But we choose to do otherwise, and that's a mistake.

I've had strong feelings about the death penalty since college. Even when I was card-carrying libertarian, hating on the minimum wage and advocating for the privatization of national parks, I knew the death penalty was wrong. Killing is wrong. It says so in the Ten Commandments some Christians want displayed on our courthouses and in our schools. And yet, we still kill. Collectively, as a group, we murder people we claim deserve it on a semi-regular basis, something we did again yesterday afternoon.

Lethal injection has been the method of choice, for discerning states holding the legal belief that revenge is a necessary component of justice. One drug: the condemned goes to sleep. Two: their heart is peacefully stopped and they die. Unfortunately, that's not how it works in reality. Those peaceful drugs that put a human to sleep so they can be killed just aren't available anymore. The pharmaceutical companies that manufacture the drugs used won't ship it to prisons to be used in executions.

If you're thinking companies shouldn't take sides on a hot-button issue like the death penalty, I refer you to the recent Supreme Court case Burwell v. Hobby Lobby, which allowed that companies are allowed to make decisions based on sincerely held religious beliefs. Murder or not to murder is a pretty spiritual question, no?

So, without the three-drug cocktail used for a couple decades without much ado, what do we do? Every state does it differently.

One thing states have done is purchase the drug on the black market. In 2010, Arizona and California swapped some killing drugs in a "secret" mission. According to emails, it was done in precisely the way drug deals are depicted on television. Two parties meet in the desert and an exchange takes place. This is not how I want my government to operate.

Other states just play it by ear and use whatever drugs they can get their hot little hands on. This turns each execution in a new and exciting experiment. I wouldn't be surprised if employees in facilities with death chambers have started gambling on the over-under for how long it takes a human to die. Sometimes black humor is the only way to deal with a horrible situation.

Wrong black humor

A few states have been considering going back to a classic execution method: hanging, electric chair, firing squad. As yet, no state has proposed building a guillotine, but give it time. Eventually we'll either move beyond the death penalty, or we'll have made enough mistakes in chemical executions to overcome our anti-french prejudice.

Freedom Fries!

Some states have put a moratorium on executions until issues about the method and the drug cocktails can be resolved. That seems like a smart move. I honestly can't imagine being one of the people directly involved in an execution. Even a "perfect" execution still results in a dead person. A human corpse, devoid of life and dignity, still and cold: a state you created. It takes a toll emotionally, even doing one's job, and many wardens and correctional officers have described how their jobs affected them. One warden, now an anti-death penalty activist, describes his time as a warden, and the hard lesson he learned (convicts are people) here.

Perhaps you think all the points I've been hammering on are emotional appeals (and they are), and so they shouldn't be taken seriously. In that case, I'd like to get statistical with you about the death penalty.

144 people have been released from death row because of evidence of their innocence since 1973. In the grand scheme of things, that may not sound like a large number. But if we had executed all of those people, America would be among the most prolific serial killers of all time. Benjamin Franklin, paraphrasing a quote from a british jurist, wrote "better than one hundred guilty persons should escape than that one innocent person should suffer."

Perhaps you have a financial reason for supporting the death penalty. The cost of feeding and housing a person can run over $20,000 a year. That's a lot scratch. If a person is sentenced to life without parole at age 18 and they live until age 80, the total cost for their imprisonment is a staggering $1.2 million. I just did that calculation and I'm a little shocked.

I could buy an island with that money!

But even though $1.2 million is a lot of money, pursuing the death penalty is still more costly. In Maryland, it costs the state (meaning taxpayers) $3 million for a single executed prisoner. That's fiscally irresponsible!

The excess cost of killing someone versus just putting them in a concrete box for the rest of their life might be justified if the death penalty was a deterrent to crime. But it's not. The states with the highest number of executions, mostly the in the South, also have the highest murder rates. If the death penalty was a deterrent to crime, numbers should show murder rates decreasing when execution rates are higher. This is not the case. False assumptions should never be used to justify policy, especially if we are concerned about truth in justice.

And to finally, here's a piece written by the parents of a murdered young woman.

I don't have any more to say, so John Oliver on Last Week Tonight will finish for me.

I loved Maleficent, and I'm not sorry

People who know me, know I"m a Disney fan. Some might say a fanatic. Others might say "tasteless and beyond all hope of redemption." I still love Disney and probably won't ever stop.

Keeping that in mind: here is my review of the movie Maleficent.

From the opening sequence to the final shot, this is obviously a fairy tale. It's set in a sparkling land of ancient gnarled trees and colorful lights, soft-focused sunlight, and a variety of inhuman creatures. Maleficent is literally and figuratively a fairy tale. Keep that in mind, it's important. If you were hoping for unapologetic evil, you won't get it, but I doubt you'll even miss it. I sure didn't and Maleficent is my favorite villain, hands down.

There's a reason she's the finale to Fantasmic!

The movie is framed as a a retelling of a tale you already know, so pretty much like every other story ever told. Maleficent is a powerful spirit (fairy) who lives in the kingdom adjacent to the human kingdom, and the movie is the story of why Maleficent is Maleficent.

This is an important story to tell, with an important lesson: people (including fairies) are complicated. A completely good or completely good person doesn't really exist, as much as we would all like to believe that the people we disagree with or dislike are all bad, it just isn't true. Full Stop. This film celebrates that idea, and does it with sweeping beautiful scenery, larger than life characters (mostly Mal herself), and delivers a story that can stand alone, without being propped up by Disney history. It's called Maleficent, and the character is just as incredible in live action as she was in animation, but she's not a bastion of unadulterated evil. I know that bothers some people, who think it detracts from her mythos. I understand the criticism, and I didn't need a shiny new take on Maleficent to make her better in my mind.

That does't take away from how impressive this movie is all on its own. Of course there are one-dimensional characters. Of course there are some cliches. Or course it has a happy ending. That's what fairy tales are made of.

More recipes inside!

If you like fairy tales, you'll like Maleficent.

Don't go in with a bucketful of expectations to go with your bucketful of popcorn.

OK...but do you have anything bigger?

Also: probably just skip the popcorn.  It's really really bad for you.

Do I have some criticisms of the movie? Sure. But they are all about how the film deviates from the source material, and how it will fit into the Disney canon. Not of the actual film itself. They are nerdy and pedantic criticisms, about the music and the unnecessary changing of the "good" fairies' names. They don't really apply to the film as a independent entity at all.

Sabrina's Summary: If you like fantasy, see it. Even if you don't like fantasy and you're only tagging along because your pals are going, you won't be bored. It's not a must-see for everyone.

When is Tennessee Williams appropriate? A Look at My Mood

So today I am feeling low. Not in a full-on depression, not even sad, just blah. So I do what any normal person would do: looked at my DVR recordings. Because that's what people do now. Turn on the TV, look at the DVR or Netflix recommendations. Don't fight it; it's the future.

Sadly, not this future

There's a movie I've been trying to watch for about a month now, but I keep getting distracted/fall asleep: The Roman Spring of Mrs. Stone.

Which they remade recently with Helen Mirren and no one told me.

This is a movie based on a short story (or novella, depending on who you ask) by Tennessee Williams. The Tennessee Williams story everyone knows is Streetcar Named Desire. At the very least you'll probably have heard this:

Streetcar Named Desire and The Roman Spring of Mrs. Stone both star Vivien Leigh, who is a one-note actress, but an AMAZING one-note it is. I love her. She was married to Laurence Olivier until he ditched her because she was crazy-depressed (not yet listed in the DSM-IV, so let's say severely depressed instead).

Although she doesn't look it, because depression doesn't always manifest outwardly or in group settings.

You don't know who I'm talking about, you say? It doesn't matter. We'll just move on.

But seriously, you didn't watch Wuthering Heights in high school?

To the topic at hand: should one watch Tennessee Williams'-based movies when feeling anything less than neutral? If I'm down, it could make me feel better ("Hey, at least I haven't been completely violated in a brutal fashion!"), or, conversely, it could make me feel worse ("Oh, that's tragic…wait, what? THE WORLD IS TERRRIBLE!").

I answered this question about The Roman Spring of Mrs. Stone quite quickly: I got distracted looking at Facebook and then her husband died (spoiler! Not really, it happens before the credits), so that was that: didn't make me feel better ("At least MY husband is still alive!"). Goodbye Mrs. Stone, maybe tomorrow!

After all, tomorrow is another day!

But it did start me thinking about other Tennessee WIlliams-based movies, and when you should watch those. Very quickly, I can say, do not watch Streetcar Named Desire in a negative frame of mind. That's some deep and disturbing story, even in the censored movie version.  Possibly don't even watch it alone. If you're a Godfather fan, it might ruin Marlon Brando for you.

Spoiler: He used to look like this!

Night of the Iguana is on yet a different level. I have to ask myself a few questions before I decide on that:
Remember how amazing Ava Garner was in that? (Yes!)
How are you feeling about religion right now? (Meh.)
Is your stomach strong enough to think about eating iguana? (Sure, I guess.)
Do you feel like watching Richard Burton in anything? (Maybe)
Really? (No, I don't)
So, Night of the Iguana gets a nice solid Maybe.

But what about Cat on a Hot Tin Roof? I'm going to give that a rating of Watch Anytime. If you're down, Burle Ives yelling "Mendacity!" over and over again will cheer you up. Plus, Liz Taylor's iconic white dress would be flattering on most body types.

And it was $9.95 at Sears!

If you're feeling happy, you might even laugh out loud at the crazy antics of stereotypical mother-in-law and annoying children.

Suddenly, Last Summer gets an Almost Anytime rating. The casting is impeccable, and the story so fantastical it's hard to put myself in any of the characters.

Except maybe Mrs. Venable.

Hats will be back by the time I'm 50. I'm sure of it.

I don't have definite opinions on The Rose Tattoo or The Glass Menagerie. So that's it! You don't have to read any more of my foolish musings on movies anymore today.

Have a panda gif for your time.

Hot Pockets: Angry Post!

Dan and I recently cancelled our contracts with Sprint because their coverage sucked.

Harder than a Dyson

I could only make a phone call from the kitchen and forget about using the internet anywhere you didn't have wifi. So we called it quits and went back to T-Mobile, and now we're happy pandas!

With new phones!

But we're trying to sell our phones on Craigslist. I keep getting nibbles, but no bites, until this morning. Someone texted me that they were interested in buying my iPhone. We spoke on the phone. He wanted to meet at the Sprint store, I agreed. It's a reasonable precaution.

Well, me and my bike went the three miles to the store and at the minute we were supposed to meet, after turning down two other offers, I get a messages saying his wife already bought a phone. So, to that guy, Eric. Here's a song for you:

I hope you and your wife and your damn dirty lies have fun with your probably stolen phone. You know why my phone is listed at that price? Because it does have a clean ESN, and I didn't rip off a poor person needing cash fast to get it so I could resell it at a profit. Your wife's new phone is coated in the tears of someone desperate. Fuck you.

Obligatory Post About How Much Daylight Savings Time Sucks

Daylight Savings Time sucks. And I live in a state that doesn't even use it. Use it? Practice it? Throw themselves on a large spike rather than deal with it again, but then do because otherwise their kids would be late (early?) for school? I don't even know, because I've lived my formative years and most of my adulthood in Arizona, and we just don't go there.

I don't know why we don't go there.  That's just not how we roll.

This is how AZ rolls.

So we don't practice DST, but we still have to deal with it, because everybody else in the USA does.

Correction from Hawaii: Continental USA

Do other countries use it? I don't know, and I'm not going to bother looking it up. The less I know about DST, the better.

So here's everything I think I know about DST:
It was invented by Ben Franklin

Maybe?

At some point it was helpful for farmers or school kids or somebody, but it really isn't anymore because we have electricity

Which Hugh Jackman used for evil

Leap Forward and Fall Back

At least the hoes are excited.

It changed what time all my TV shows are on

This last is really the part that affects me most. I am an insomniac. Hopelessly, chronically sleepless. When I was in Abu Dhabi, I didn't have any sleep aids. Ambien is unheard of, melatonin is banned, and valerian root doesn't really work for me. I was recommended the tea version of valerian root, but fuck that noise (see previous blog post).

So in order to combat my chronic insomnia, I did all those things that health articles tell you to do. I exercised in the mid-late afternoon.

Praise Allah for in-building gym rooms!

…and I abided by a very strict nighttime regimen, which I still try and keep to, so I am not tempted to go hardcore with my sleeping meds again.

9:00pm: Floss and brush teeth
9:10pm: In bed, reading. Internet off
10:15-10:30pm: Lights out, no backsies

Not even Mary would argue with that.

Now that I'm back at home, I have at TV in my bedroom. This is not approved by the health articles, but I'm a rebel. I turn on the TV, read until I start getting drowsy, then watch American Dad until I drift off. Dan turns off the TV when he comes to bed.

Here's where DST has messed with my head: ADULT SWIM STARTS AN HOUR LATER!

<Cue Dramatic Music>

So, everyone bitching about DST and how the change is so hard, I'm with you. And I'll even try and one-up you by saying I have to change my whole schedule for six months (Five? Four? I don't know). I'm staying up later, but still getting up at the same time. Less sleep at night= Longer nap in the late morning= Less done during the day=

Sad Panda

That's right, insomnia and depression go hand-in-hand, like catsup* and mustard.

Or if you're in Utah, fry sauce.

So what am I to do? Honestly, I don't know. I'm going to one of those crazy states that uses DST in about a week, and then on a Caribbean cruise, and my strict nighttime regimen will go to the dog (and we know how well she handles things). For the time being, this long-form essay of complaining will have to suffice.

*Editor's Note: The boss says quote: "Fuck cats-up, Heinz is the only kind of ketchup there is."

Too Darn Hot

I hate hot beverages.

I know that's a pretty broad statement to make, and so of course there are exceptions, but pretty universally, I despise putting warm liquid in my mouth.

Cocoa gets a pass because of the whipped cream

And I hate coffee. Really, I just can't stand it. Even a hint of coffee flavor and my taste buds bug out quicker than a MASH unit.

Definitely quicker than the 4077

I say this even though I've had approximately 4 bajillion cups of hot green tea today in an effort to stop the horrible pain in my throat, I didn't enjoy a single one.

I did enjoy using my unicorn tapestry mug though.

At first it's too hot. Too, too hot, and it's a danger to my tongue. Then there is a brief window where it's cool enough not to burn my tongue, but still hot enough to scald the surface of my tonsils, which is what soothes it.

Maybe it's time to let someone try some backyard surgery on me. I've been looking for a reason to buy a plasma torch.

Science just hasn't made enough progress on the lightsaber

.

Perhaps as a denizen of the desert, hot beverages are just something I don't understand, like heated seats or floors.

And what's up with tire chains?

I mean, it's November, and my air conditioner is still coming on to keep the house below 80 degrees in the afternoons. So what do I drink? Cold, unsweetened tea. Most people would use the term iced tea, but since I don't use ice it seems inaccurate. This penchant for unsweetened iced tea might be genetic: apparently dinner with my great-grandfather was punctuated by him tossing ice cubes into your glass of Lipton tea. Sweet tea is an abomination. Don't make me think about it anymore, I'm not feeling well as it is.

I used to be a Coke fiend. Truth be told, I still am, but I was terribly spoiled by Arabian Coke and it's cane sugar. Plus, I like being healthier.

Nope, that's a lie. I like being skinnier.

So I drink Coke sparingly. There's no better cure for migraine nausea than an ice-cold Coke with a straw.  I'm also partial to pineapple juice.

Some of your might ask: But Sabrina, what do you use as a mixer when you're drinking?

Good question!

I don't. I've grown up enough to realize that liquor gives me migraines while beer and wine do not.  I have not grown up enough to put my foot down when liquor is to the only option. (See Halloween Exploits for details). Maybe next decade.

Anyway, I've mostly made the switch to hard apple cider or white wine.

Gluten Free! Just look for the box that reminds you of The Wizard of Oz.

And what do I usually use mugs for?

Winter is no longer coming: it's here!