Are you ready for some FOOTBALL!
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| The other kind |
I'm not going to pretend I know nothing about football. That would be disingenuous. I know about football, generally how it works, what's going on, and I even have a favorite play!
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| When a really big dude gets the ball unexpectedly and runs in for a TD |
Now, I do despise football. It's violent, the NFL and the NCAA are despicable corporate entities who exist to make money at the expense of players and fans alike. If I could avoid football altogether, I wouldn't mind a bit. If a genie came to me and said "Sabrina, you can never drink a Coke again, but football would disappear from the entire world," there's a very good chance I would take that offer.
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| And I LOVE Coke, in any language. |
Since I can't count on genie, I try and be a good sport. I don't complain too much about Dan watching football ALL DAY LONG on Sundays, and I ask my nephew about his team and listen enthusiastically. In the spirit of being a good sport, I've even joined the same football pool as Dan! Now, he uses stats and logic and math and blah blah blah to make his picks. And he's pretty good at it. First week he got second place, and over the course of last season he more than broke even. Me? I'm not going to do any of that. I'm making my picks based on one thing: How well would the team mascots fare in a cage match.
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| It would be more interesting than NFL RedZone |
This is my first week in the pool, and so I sat down with my lunch of salad and cottage cheese, put on some show tunes, and went to work.
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| Please note the subtle product placement |
I had to lay down some rules for myself. If I didn't, I would be tempted to cheat and use actual knowledge of football or teams to make logical picks, thus defeating the purpose of the exercise.
Since there are college and pro games included in the pool, I decided against using the official mascots, since those are so varied and mostly dudes in fuzzy suits, and instead went with a more general idea of the team mascot. For example, UCF has two official mascots, one being a knight and one being pegasus. The team is called the Knights, so for my purposes it's a single knight going into the cage with a tiger (Missouri). I also chose to allow mascots to use the weapons they are portrayed with, so Knightro has a sword, Sparky the Sun Devil gets a pitchfork, and the NY Giant gets his huge bobble head. One caveat: no throwing. This hobbles the Redskins' mascot, because what good is a tomahawk if you can't throw it, and allows the South Carolina Gamecock to keep the razors tied around his chicken legs.
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| Without the leg-swords, he's just dinner waiting to happen |
Also important: the arena. I chose a standard WWE cage, 30 feet high, floor space 20 feet on each side but with a ceiling. The walls and ceiling are climbable, and birds would be able to grasp the supports.
With these rules in mind, here are my picks for this week's NFL games:
The Pittsburgh Steeler will triumph over the Baltimore Raven. Even though the raven can fly, you know workers in a steel mill would be able to catch a big bird.
The Miami Dolphin basically has no chance against anyone, but definitely not Buffalo Bill, since he's a buffalo.
The Jacksonville Jaguar will easily scale the walls of the cage and come down hard on the Redskin mascot who isn't allowed to throw his weapon and would probably die quickly. (Editor's note: I feel dirty having to type that racist as hell name, Washington. Get your act together and change it).
The Tennessee Titan is known for his leadership skills and the sword he's shown with will defeat the Dallas Cowboy.
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| He's just too friendly and doesn't look armed |
The Arizona Cardinal will beat the NY Giant in a long drawn out battle, ending when the Giant topples over, lacking the energy to carry his big head any longer.
I choose to believe the story attributing the name of the Cleveland Browns to boxer Joe Louis, so the Brown will trounce a Saint.
The Bengal will win out over the Atlanta Falcon. The match would be harder to call if the Falcon had unlimited air space, but he doesn't. Sorry Falcon, rest in peace.
Although I had difficulty deciding between a Lion and a Panther, lions can't climb, so victory to the Carolina Panthers.
The St. Louis Ram is nothing but a future meal to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
The New York Jets forfeit their cage match because they don't even have a mascot! So the cheese packing company from Green Bay wins.
Historically speaking, Chiefs have already beaten the Broncos. Victory to Kansas City.
If you put a Bear and a worn-out miner 49er into my cage, you know who's coming out alive. Go Chicago!
Now, the one you've been waiting for, Shane: Houston versus Oakland. Who will I choose?
A Texan versus a Raider is a rather tough call. A Raider, as I interpret it, is basically a pirate and pirates come to fight. However, Texans are pretty tough, and there's a decent chance that the angry white dudes are packing heat. So even though a Raider might get the jump on a Texan, my money goes on the Texan.
In this pool, the tie-breaker (if needed) is the score of the Monday night game, this week between Philadelphia and Indianapolis. Of course, I want to root for Peyton Manning, because I loves me a big doofus with a sense of humor.
Sorry I couldn't embed the video for you guys, but I promise it's worth it, even if you've seen it before.
Unfortunately, he's a Colt, and I know when you put a young male horse into a cage with an Eagle, he's going to panic. So I'm calling it for the Philadelphia Eagles. I did use a little bit of football knowledge when making up the numbers. Philly 17, the Eagle scoring two touchdowns with the extra point and a field goal, and Indianapolis 9, a field goal and a touchdown with a failed two-point conversion.
