Letter from a dear friend

I know, it's been a while since I've written anything, but I think I deserve a little break considering I just moved 7000 miles and was dropped back into my old life, with the additional challenge that I don't want to be the super depressed person I was before I left.  So I've been keeping busy, but I got an email recently that I just had to share.

Spam filters work so well that it is rare that such an exquisite example of the genre (Spam email) manages to land in my Inbox where I'll actually look at the text.  I usually just skim the subject lines in the Junk folder and then trash it all.  This email, from my good friend Adriana.  I know she's a good friend because she continually refers to me by my pet name of Babe*, rather than my real name.

It begins:

BABE... i guess your not getting any of my email huh? ive been
tryign to email u so many times but this dam laptop is such a piece of
garbage and keeps freezing.. anyways how u been?

I've been well, Adriana, and yourself?  By the way, I don't remember you.  Could you remind me where we met again?

In case u dont know who this is its ME Adriana.. we used to chat a bit on facebook and then
I think u deleted me :( haha.. anyways guess what... I got 2 things to
tell u.. both good news.. 1) im single now.. yup me and my bf broke up
about 3 months ago... and 2) guess where im moving? RIGHT EFFING NEAR
U.. lol... ur actually the only person im gonna know there.. well 3
cousins too but i cant chill with them lol..

I know about cousins.  They are the craziest, amirite? All trying to talk to you because you're related and live nearby.  It's super-annoying. Pray, go on…

I remember when we chatted u told me u thought i was cute and u wanted to chill so now we finally
can HAHA! im kinda scared to move.. im hoping this email addy is still
the one you use and u can chat with me ebfore i get there.. maybe even
help me move my shit in...are u still on facebook? i cudnt find ui was
soo confused...anyways im gonna need someone to show me the town and
take me out so u better be around bebe...

Yes, I probably did tell you you were attractive.  I hate it when women get down on themselves.  Be proud of who you are, Adriana!  I'm not going to help you move though, mostly because you're not a real person, but that's neither here nor there.

we only chatted a couple times but i remember thinking to myself i wanted to get ot know u
better when i was single..a nd i thoguth u were cute too but cudnt
tell u cause i wasnt single lol...ok so more info about me.. well im
23.. virgo.. love the outdoors and love to socialize, go out for
drinks, restaurants, movies etc.. travel.. i have a lil kitty named
BOO and i luv her to death... uhhh oh im a super horny gurl too but
every gurl is they just wont admit it. so ilove watching p0rn and all
that.. love sex etc blah blah blah...who doesnt..

OH! We only chatted a couple of times, and that's why I don't remember you.  And now you're single, 23, and love absolutely everything?  I know just the person for you! Unfortunately, I myself am not available, being a happily married woman of 30, but I'm sure we can work something out.

do u have any hookups or know anybody hiring? id LOVE to work in a bar
or osmehting like that...really anythgin cause my current job is fun
and all.. and technically i CUD keep doign it but i want a change.. i
currently work from home and well thats cool but i need ot be out
meeting people.. oh wait. i dont think i ever actually told u what i
did? hmm shud i......???? ok WELLLL... and dont get all weirded out
on me..

I'm prepared for anything at this point, Adriana.  I'm going to guess you're a gas station attendendant?  No, that would require some mathematics, and you don't appear to have had any but the most basic schooling.  I'm tired of this game, just tell me.

i work on a webcam chat community site and i get paid to chat
with people and get naked HHAHA... BOMB right :)? I KNOW.. like i
figure iim horny anyways why not get paid to chat with people and play
with myself heheh...anyways i hope u dont look down on that and NO
THATS NOT WHY IM CONTACTING U RELAX URSELF lol... i actually need help
once i move and i remembered u live there so im reaching out....like i
said before this computer is a complete piece of CRAP and freezes NON
STOP.. ive tried ot send this email to u maybe 3 times already and im
hopign this time i can hit SEND before i run into trouble lol..

Oh, dear, I think you've already run into trouble, my friend Adriana.  You are a webcam stripper who cannot seem to use a computer properly.  That's problematic in your line of work.  And now you're single you don't have a masculine presence to keep you grounded and fix your computer.  Tragic, really.  How can I help?

ANYWAYS.. heres the deal....every month natalie (my boss) gives each
of us 3 VIP codes to give out to whoever we want.. so with this code u
can lgoin to watch me at work for free and dont have to pay like
everyone else... the only way i can give u one of the codes (so we can
chat) is if you absolutey DO NOT give it out to anyone else and u ONLY
USE IT FOR URSELF... i only get 3 a month and she gets pissed if more
than 3 people use them so DONT SHARE IT MISTER... i figured u cud
always email me back instead but my email account doesnt even let me
login half the time.. so the bets palce ot chat me is my chat room...

Hmm…the offer of chatting with you for free on a webcam would be tempting, but apparently we're already Facebook friends?  So why would I need to do that?  Unless you're having some kind of skin issue that you'd like me to take a look at: suspicious moles, rashes, lice, etc.  Then it would make sense.  But remember, I'm not a doctor, I'm  a random internet person.  You might want to see a professional.  A medical professional, not a professional webcam actress like yourself.

if theres anyone else logged in when u sign in ill boot them out.. but
remember DONT SHARE THIS PASSWORD PLEASE BABE IM BEGGING U.. I TRUST
U...

Your trust is not misplaced, I solemnly swear never to share the password with anyone. 

im online most of the day now to try and save money for my move..
also since im in such a huge debt already form my student loan :( I
really thingk we need to chat before i get there and make sure u evern
remember me hahha.. anyways ive rambled on and on now and ur probably
soooo annnoyed with me so ill stop now..

Annoyed? On the contrary! I'm absolutely delighted with your email!  The content, the grammar, the spelling errors to fool my spam filter, it's a work of brilliance that has brightened my day.

im gonna go start work.. i
really hope u come chat me. it wud make my day and releive a lot of my
stress about the move... REALLY i mean that....anyways once i see u in
insdie ill shoot u myc ell number and u can gimme yours.. if u dont
wanna come chat i understand but its really the only palce to find me
now days..

You're not on Facebook anymore, Adriana?  That's disappointing.  But it does explain why you are so insistent that I check out your webcam.

if u email me abck ill probably get it once i get there
after my internet is setup so about 2-3 weeks fomr now..

It takes you 2-3 weeks to reply to an email?  That's positively rude, not to mention inefficient.  Perhaps you'd benefit from hiring a secretary to handle your correspondence.

but im hopign
to see u in my chat room.. rmemeber its 100% free with this code im
gonna give u.. just DONT GIVE IT OUT OR ILL KICK U IN THE BALLS
INSTEAD OF LICK U IN THE BALLS WHEN IS EE U hahahahha

It seems we must have had a miscommunication somewhere, Adriana (although how that's possible is beyond me, you are most eloquent in your correspondence).  I do not possess any balls that you would want to kick or lick.  I don't even own a kickball.  Well, perhaps we can work something out anyway.  You seem….flexible?

..k babe im out
for now... chat ya soon.. kisses xoxo Adriana

XOXO to you to Adriana.  You are the SpamBot of my dreams. 

*I hate being called Babe.  Don't do it.  Ever.

Saying Goodbye Forever!!!

Tonight is the our last night in Abu Dhabi.

This morning I walked in a fog to the grocery store, to buy medicine you can't get over the counter in the US, and spices.

A literal fog, not the brain kind.

We've visited our favorite restaurants, had drinks with our friends who are left here, our visas are officially cancelled, and everything is packed.

After a grueling game of "Will it fit?"

I've said goodbye to several people here, and they always seem to be a little sad to be leaving.  There's a melancholy associated with leaving this place. I don't seem to have that. 

Although I will miss this.

Instead, I've been in kind of suspended animation, just waiting.  There's only ten hours left to wait until it's time to leave for the airport.  I guess I could sleep some of those hours, but I wouldn't want to spoil sleep-appetite before the flight. I keep trying to look ahead at what I'll be doing when I'm back home, but there's only so much planning one can do, and there are some things one shouldn't buy over the internet.

"FOR SALE, GOOD CONDITION!!"

So this is my last post from Abu Dhabi.  I'll still keep blogging, and since we're going back to Arizona I don't even have to change the name.  If we were going to North Dakota or Colorado, I'd have had to change it to "It's F*cking Freezing!" and that doesn't have the fun double entendre, and Cole Porter never wrote that song. 

Nope, doesn't make me want to sing.  OK, maybe a little bit of White Christmas, but that's it, I swear.

Why all the hate?

Every time there is an article or blog post about airline travel there are a few topics that always come up.  People seem to get really worked up about these topics, so I thought I'd write down a few of my thoughts on the subjects.

"People don't dress up for travel anymore.  Our society is crumbling because people refuse to put on real pants for a flight!"

I am one of those people who doesn't put on real pants for a flight.  There are a couple of reasons I dress in yoga pants and a loose (sometimes sleeveless) shirt. 
1.  No metal
I have never had to go through a metal detector twice or been singled out for secondary screening.  I just don't have anything on my body that sets off any alarms.  Literally, the only metal on my body when I walk through there is the hook and eye on my brassiere, and only because I am not going to wear a sports bra when I don't have to. 

2.  It's no longer the 1960s
Flying is terrible.  I mean, it's amazing that one can travel so far in such a short period of time and is a pretty amazing scientific feat.   But it's also terrible: small spaces, weird smells, it's always the wrong temperature, and everyone is annoyed they had to take off their shoes or wait for the people who are trying to haul everything as a carry-on to save time or money.

Flying is also really hard on my body and can cause me severe pain (I'll address this further in a moment) so I need to be wearing something that I can constantly adjust my position, especially on long international flights.

So to those people who think I ought to be "properly" dressed up for a flight: forget it.  You're out-numbered.  Now get back in line and quit your bitchin'. 

The good ole days, amirite?

"Only terrible people recline their seats! If you recline your seat in front of me, I will spend the rest of the flight with my knees pressed against your back so we both won't be comfortable!"

I have encountered this comment on the internet and the behavior in real life.  It's annoying.  I know, having a seat reclined in front of you isn't great, but seriously, getting worked up about it is pointless.  You don't get to decide if those extra inches of recline make me more comfortable or not, and comfort on a flight is, in my opinion, more important than the person behind me having the optimum viewing position for their laptop or be able to pull the bag out from under their seat 20 times an hour.  So, when I get on my flight back to the States in a couple weeks, I'm going to recline that seat all the way back after dinner is served, and keep it that way until breakfast is served.  And nothing is going to stop me, except a broken seat.  See, I have tailbone problems. 

A literal pain in the ass

Sitting on that plane seat is torture for me.  I will get up and walk around, I will do stretches in the bulkhead, I will walk up and down the aisles for as long as possible, but I will still be in so much pain when I get off that flight I might be crying.  It's awful, and I try to minimize it by piling pillows in the crook of the seat and putting my feet up on my under the seat luggage.  So, to all the people out  there who think people who recline their seats are douchebags, terrible, jerks, etc., and deserve a knee in the back, remember: everyone is different, you suck, and if you hate it so much, perhaps you should ask the person in front of you not to recline instead of being passive-aggressive and ruining the flight for both of us.  A young woman kneed me in the back for a few hours on a 10 hour flight once, and then she had to readjust her position or something, and she stopped.  I believe she realized she was hurting herself more than anyone.  Not me, I can use the extra lumbar support.  Thanks angry person!

"I don't fly at all anymore unless I have to because of the TSA!"

I do kind of agree with this, in theory.  Domestic American air-travel is pretty bad and the extra security just makes it worse.  The TSA treats you like an animal, the airline considers people living cargo, and OH HELL THE FLIGHT FROM CHICAGO TO PHOENIX IS GOING TO BE TERRIBLE!

Maybe I should hitchhike

Sorry for the outburst, but four hours on a flight with no food, old seats, no movie, and last time they didn't even have a drink service because the toilet in cattle class was broken and they wanted to keep the intrusions into the first class cabin to a minimum.

The security theater provided by the TSA needs to stop, yes.  It's a waste of resources and doesn't work.  But no politician is going to commit career suicide by saying so at this point in time.  Maybe in 50 years or so, we can think about letting people bring bottled water through security again.  But until then, boycotting air travel isn't going to change anything, so I'm going to keep flying, mostly because it saves time, although driving can be a nice adventure. You might even meet Kai, the hatchet-wielding hitchhiker!

Hot Pockets: It's for weight loss?!?

I almost never go to Starbucks. If I need to kill some time somewhere with free wifi there are better coffee shops here, with fancy French pastries and cream teas and such. But Starbucks is the coffee shop everywhere in the states, and when I'm with my sister we drive through there. They have a beverage with green coffee extract, which has enough caffeine in it for me to actually feel it. I might have a bit of a tolerance. Well, this Refreshers TM drink contains the aforementioned green coffee extract. I guess I'm a little out of the loop, because I had no idea that green coffee extract is touted as a weight loss miracle (thanks, Dr. Oz). It makes me like the Refresher TM less. Let me clarify that I like the lime flavor, not the berry hibiscus. Hibiscus are decorative and do not taste good.

Anyway, I thought calling caffeine a weight loss miracle was old school and went out of style when Dexatrim did. I guess this is just evidence that there are no new ways to diet, humans just keep recycling the same ones over and over. Low-carb dieting was first introduced in the 1800s and keeps getting repackaged and resold. So please, just use your secondhand version of Atkins if you must and stop handing forkfuls of cash to new "experts". All their good recipes are online anyway.

Hot Pockets: The Final Countdown

OK, now that everyone has hair-band Europe's greatest (only) song stuck in your head, it's time to reveal that this post is about how I am acting in my last few weeks in Abu Dhabi. Dan and I will be back in our little house in Phoenix on March 16, just in time for St. Patrick's Day and the tail end of Cadbury Creme Egg season. In these last few weeks, Dan and are melancholy about all the things we've come to know and love...

Nah, we have effectively clocked out of the real world and are already living in Phoenix through the power of the Internet. Dan has ordered a car, we have phones and carriers picked out, and I know exactly what I'm going to buy my first trip to the grocery store (seeded rye bread and sliced ham).

Contrast that to my purchases today. Instead of making a list and buying practical things we could eat, I bought pretty much whatever sounded good and that won't be available in the States. Thus, in no particular order:
Coke (with real sugar)
Flavoured water "A hint of mint and lemon" (also with real sugar)
A hollow chocolate egg with two Cadbury Creme Eggs inside, imported from the UK)
Baked cheese crackers from Australia
Berries and Cherries Muesli
Cherry Passion Fruit Tic Tacs
Fresh sliced pineapple (no extra charge for the slicing)
Frubes (Yogurt tubes with Otter pop-tyle characters)

Not Pictured: Minced beef, ground while I watched

I also bought a sari, because I'd been thinking about for a while so I figured what the hell, and went to the cheap department store and bought one. I could have taken it home today, but the blouse has to be custom-made to fit my sizable chest. 

"Those girls couldn't drown."

It will be done next Wednesday (Inshallah). I did not pay in advance.

Have I started packing?  Nah, I've still got time.

Make-up is not for me

I've never been a make-up wearer.  Even when I was a teenager and all the other teeny-boppers were begging their mothers to let them wear just a little lipstick, I was still trying to look and feel less like a dork (I had just recently started wearing contact lenses and was no longer four-eyes).  I learned to wear make-up on stage, when I was playing a character, and to this day, I still feel the same way when I have make-up on. 

Even though I'm not sure I look any different here.

I used to say that if you never start wearing make-up, no one will expect you to, and that bit of wisdom (which probably sprang more from teenage laziness than anything) has served me well over the years.  I (almost) never wear make-up.  I have a fondness for tinted chopsticks, and wore Dr. Pepper flavored/colored Lip Smacker for years.  I still will when I can get my hands on it.  For my 30th birthday, my aunt bought me, at my request, some Clinique Almost-Lipstick in "Universally Flattering Black Honey." I love it, but like anything I put on my lips, I need to reapply frequently, and so you can really only tell I'm wearing it for the first ten minutes after I've put it on. 

Plus, the fancy stuff doesn't fit in my pocket very well.

That doesn't mean I don't like make-up.  I do.  In fact, I am fascinated by it.  I own a Bare Minerals starter kit, in the wrong shade because I over-estimated the level of the tan on my face, of which I used all the colorless Mineral Veil and some of the mascara.  I have one of those eye make-up sets that are supposed to enhance your eye color.  I have even in recent months tried wear eyeliner and eyeshadow, but rather than make me feel more myself as some people say, it makes me feel less myself and more self-conscious.  Perhaps that's left over from my days wearing make-up in the theater.  Pancake make-up is not attractive on anyone in normal lighting.  I never wear blush because I have just the perfect amount of rosacea, right on my plump cheek bones, which is accentuated when I am excited, have a migraine, or have had a drink or two.  I did pay a stylist a ridiculous amount of money to make me up for my wedding day.  The effect was wonderful, but even the professional application of cosmetics didn't make me look as good in the photos as my ridiculously photogenic husband.

He always looks good in photos.  It's sickening.

My sister says she's jealous of the way I can look so natural.  I am jealous of her ability to pull off the smokey eye, bright colors of eyeliner, and style her hair.  It's an art in which I have no talent, and she does. I can french braid my own hair, but so can just about any woman with long hair.  It's very convenient, and makes me look like I put a smidgen of effort into my look.  I've also been experimenting with nail art, with various degrees of success.  It's the in thing you know.

Box O' Nail Polish

So, in conclusion, make-up is pretty awesome (and have you read some of the ingenious things they can do with color matching and chameleon shades, and OMG is there any way to remove all water-proof mascara? That stuff is industrial).  I own some, but don't use it, and when I do, I'm probably not doing it right.  And that's OK.  A little powder (or mattefying moisturizer) to keep the shine down, a little cola-flavored lip balm (no gloss for me, that stuff is sticky), and I'm good to go.  But even though I've given up on full-face make-up, I'm on to new and greater adventures in fashion.

Quirky Gothic TM

Hot Pockets: You can't always get what you want

Last night I was craving a very distinct food, which I could not immediately identify. It was sweet, soft, a pastry perhaps. Definitely glazed, but not a doughnut. A touch of lemon maybe? I thought about it and thought about it, and yet, it didn't come to me. I'd been thinking about making gingerbread cookies, could it be that, maybe with cream cheese icing? Thinking about cream cheese icing led me to carrot cake. I had been spending time with a friend I introduced to carrot cake who is now hooked. I started planning to make a carrot cake, making a mental shopping list, wondering what recipe to use, but it still wasn't exactly what I wanted. It wasn't until I was drifting off to sleep that it struck me: what I had been craving wasn't anything I could make or buy here. It was a pre packaged cinnamon roll. That particular combination of preservatives, cold smooshy cake, and hard glaze, possibly with some raisins thrown in. Well, that is not something I'll be getting here. Heaven forbid you have a craving for Cool Ranch Doritos or Hershey Kisses (unless you feel like driving to Dubai). An Entemman's cinnamon roll isn't happening. So I made a rum cake. That will have to do for now.