Hot Pockets: Shannanigans!

People who know me in real life know one of my great friends Rob.  He watched my house and my puppies while I globe-trotted, and that forges a deep bond, mostly because you're trusting someone with your whole entire life's worth of stuff and two dogs as close as your children. He did a fantastic job, and I can never thank him enough. However, I think I might have just been shanghaied. 

Text messaging is the communication of the future, and some days Rob and I engage in witty banter to keep ourselves amused. Yesterday, I sent him a photo of a stuffed animal I didn't recognize asking if it was his.  After his no reply, I went about my business (unpacking boxes and continuing to banter). Then, there was an incriminating message: Rob knew this stuffed animal I had never seen screeched, and that giving it to someone else was a curse!  It was his sling-monkey all the time! 

Thus, I officially declare shenanigans on Rob. Also, I need to ask him what the punishment is for knowingly passing on a cursed sling-monkey. 

What Happened to Shark Week?

When I was a kid, Shark Week was many things, but people didn't look forward to it and it was't called "The Official End of Summer" (that dubious honor belongs to Labor Day weekend according to some).  Shark Week wasn't popular and not everyone watched it.

Certainly, no one made fruit salad art.

I watched it, in fact, I got to stay up late to watch Shark Week.  Or maybe I didn't have a bedtime.  I don't remember.

It was a freer time.

What I do remember is that Shark Week was hella scary.  Sure, they were misunderstood, etc., etc., and so forth, but it was still scary.  I'm talking about raw news footage of a guy who's leg had just been bitten off, the credits rolling over a repeating shark face breaking the water in slow motion, a scene that I can vividly recall even today.

Sharks always win staring contests.

There was even a special on a guy who had a refrigerated truck full of great white shark carcasses frozen with their mouths' open. 

Rated PG for Probably Give you Nightmares

Today? EVERYONE is talking about Shark Week.  And it's not anything to get jazzed up about.  The shark shows are on 24/7 and there's even a late-night talk show style program called "Sharks After Dark LIVE!" or some such nonsense.

"And what's the deal with airplane food?"

And apparently, most people believe that the prehistoric giant dinosaur shark still exists, because the Discovery Channel told them so via Megalodon: The Blair Shark Project.

Makes James van der Beek weep for humanity.

I know now that most kids go through a phase where they want to be an oceanographer.  And for those kids Shark Week circa 1995 was amazing!  Now, it's just a ratings gambit by a station that hasn't taught me anything since they premiered Ice Road Truckers, and that makes me sad.  Good thing Neil DeGrasse Tyson's Cosmos is coming soon.

I Miss My Purse

My purse was stolen at a Circle K the week before Memorial Day.  That purse was perfect: a black Liz Claiborne number, with an adjustable cross-body strap and exactly enough room for my Nook.

I do own an actual Nook bag, but look how it clashes with my black Marilyn shirt!

Since you asked (you did, didn't you?) here's how it happened:
I was pumping gas, set my purse down on the trunk lid, and then knelt down to check the air pressure in my tires.  When I stood up, it was gone. People have asked me who was around and could have taken it.  Well, there were people at all the pumps around me and there was an employee emptying the trash can. 

When it happened, I was a wreck.  I absolutely didn't know what to do. I called my phone from the gas station, but it was already turned off.  The manager said that the security cameras weren't operating that day. Since he hadn't actually checked before he said that, it leads me to believe that either they never work or the employees are known to steal things.  I did not call the police.  It's not as if they would have found it, plus, I sort of hate being around cops. Nothing good ever comes of it for me.  I did try and call my husband, but he was at work and didn't answer.  So I did the next logical thing: I drove in a panic to his office and stood in the lobby until his meeting was over.

OK, that wasn't logical, but I did it anyway.

Honestly, there wasn't really anything to be done.  The phone that was in the purse was turned off immediately, so my "Where's my iPhone?" app on my iPad was no use.  I used the info from Dan's credit cards to cancel all of mine (we share everything except for one card I keep just so I'm still a USAA member).  Sprint put a security block on my phone, hopefully making it harder for the thief to resell it. 

One day I'll catch it on Craigslist

There were only a few irreplaceable things in there.

One: The iPhone cover my friend Amber had just given me a few days prior. Nothing fancy, but I wouldn't have had a cover for it all had it not been for her generosity.

She didn't want my phone to end up the Apple version of her boyfriend's

Two:  $60 in cash.  Probably more than many people carry nowadays, but still not very much.

Three:  A purple leather wallet with an elephant painted on it.  The elephant was added on our vacation to Thailand.

Cost me a whole dollar!

Four:  My Abu Dhabi driver's license.  This is the thing that I miss the most and will never ever be getting back.  I cannot foresee a time in my life when I will be living in Abu Dhabi again.  Honestly, it's hard for me to foresee a time when I won't be living in Arizona any more. 

Maybe when we retire to Disney's Celebration Village

So I will never ever ever be getting back together with my overseas driver's license.  Not unless some good Samaritan comes across my wallet in a gutter somewhere and mails it back to me.  This isn't outside the realm of possibility: I left my I.D. at a bar in New Orleans and more than six months later an envelope came from someone working at the bar I left it in. It was actually a surprise to me when it came, not that someone had been kind enough to send it, but because I hadn't even realized it was missing.

Thank you, Random Citizen!

See, here's something you might not know about me: I'm a loser.  Not in the "I'm a loser, baby, so why don't you kill me way," but in that I lose things all the time.  I'm so accustomed to misplacing things that I keep a complete spare set of keys and an extra copy of my driver's license at all times.  My tendency to misplace or forget things is probably why when I do remember something (there's laundry in the dryer or the trash needs to be taken out) I have to take care of it right away or the thought will run around my brain, literally raising my blood pressure and causing me anxiety.

Better quote myself here: They make pills for that.

So, my purse was stolen.  Immediately afterwards I was a wreck and freaked out.  Then I cancelled all my cards, bought a new phone, and felt better.  Now, I feel only a sense of melancholy about it.  I loved that purse that my mother-in-law bought me at JC Penny.  I loved my wallet, and I loved my UAE driver's license.  All things I won't get back. My consolation is that the yellow leather purse my sister gave me gets lots of compliments,

And my iPad fits perfectly!

my passport has a visa sticker in it, similar to my driver's license, and that I hadn't just gone to the bank and had more cash on me.

So farewell Liz Claiborne purse.

We'll always have the Arabian Village.

Why You Should Watch "Gaslight" Right Now

The term "gaslighting" has become popular on the internet recently, especially among blogs that discuss feminism and/or issues of sexual harassment in places such as ComicCon or the military, or even the different experiences people have on message boards like Reddit if you identify as male or female. 

I don't understand how it works, but I do recognize this little guy.

Now, I'm not going to go into a discussion of feminism right now.  It's a very complex issue, and I got my fill of useless debating on Facebook today while talking about the Zimmerman verdict.  (FYI: I am a feminist and while I think the Zimmerman verdict was correct per the law as written, it's fucked up that you can kill someone and get away with it if you say you feel threatened).

No, what I'd like to talk about are the reasons you should watch the movie from which the term derives: Gaslight.

First: It's one of the best black and white films out there.  I hear quite often, "I don't like black and white movies." This seems close-minded.  Perhaps their only exposure to black and white films has been Citizen Cane, a much overrated film which was ground-breaking at the time, but is now out-dated.

Do these people fast-forward through "Somewhere Over the Rainbow"?!?

Despite it's lack of Technicolor, Gaslight is a gorgeous film.  Because of it's popularity it's been remastered and the sound and visuals are crystal clear.  This is a movie that needs to be in black and white.  It adds to the dark feel of the movie and emphasizes the brilliant lighting.

And color would add nothing to Charles Boyer's voice.

He was the inspiration for Pepe Le Pew

Second: Ingrid Bergman is beautiful.  Just take your breath away beautiful.

And that figure ain't bad either

And that's the least of her amazing qualities.  As the tormented wife her emotional turmoil is written on her face. Dialogue almost seems secondary.  That's probably why it worked as a silent film as well.

Third:  Angela Landsbury makes her debut in this movie.  Can you even believe that? 

You saucy minx, Jessica Fletcher!

She was 17 at the time, and her saucy housemaid character would be a show-stealer in a movie with a weaker cast.  There is not a weak link in the cast at all.
That's probably the take-away point for #3

Fourth: People are talking about gaslighting.  You want to be in the know, right?

Fifth:  I said so, and I'm pretty knowledgeable about these things.  I have subjected my husband to many classic movies from the 30s, 40s, and 50s, and this is one he doesn't complain about. 

This he complains about, but probably because I've watched about 200 times.

If this isn't convincing, well, you're probably hopeless.  If you're going to give it a chance, it's playing on TCM on October 16 at 7:30am EST (DVR it, I'll remind you), or you can probably get it off the internet somewhere.  I won't tell.

My Birthday Should be a National Holiday

I know, everyone says that. They're so important that everyone should celebrate their birthday or (more likely), people just don't want to work on their birthday. I'm sure I'd feel the same way if I understood what "work" was and why people didn't want to go there.  My granny tried to explain it to me, but I just didn't understand.  Something about getting up and putting on make up and leaving the house.  All quite a puzzle to me really.

Is it related to the band who sings "Down Under"?

Anyway, my birthday really should be a national holiday, possibly and international holiday.  Not because of myself, but because it is the anniversary of the moon landing.

July 20, 1969

This year will be the 44th anniversary of the day human beings first stepped on to another planet.  It wasn't the first exploration into space…

Dogs and chimps beat humans to it

…but it is the day humans walked where no human has walked before.  And that's important.  It's an important day in human history and we all should be celebrating it. Not necessarily with cake like I am...

Ice cream and pandas, of course

but possibly with bottle rockets.

There's no occasion that can't be made better with fireworks

So Happy Birthday to myself and Congratulations Humanity for taking that one big step for mankind!

Next stop: Mars!

Previously on Too Darn Hot...

Sabrina was saying goodbye to Abu Dhabi and returning to her life in Arizona where her house, dogs, and family were waiting.  Since then, Sabrina (known heretofore as "Calamity Sabrina") has gone through a lot of trials and tribulations to come to where we are now.  Those will be dealt with in future installments.  Today, Too Darn Hot presents a small humorous post.

I have really, ridiculously long hair.*  I almost always have.  It's thick, brown, shiny, and abundant.  And I like it that way.  Even though I keep it pulled back and up 95-99% of the time, I still love it.  Even though I started pulling out gray hairs in the past year, I still love it.  Sure, I may be boring, and won't be dying my hair purple (because dye won't stick to my slick, healthy strands), but I still love it.

My hair and the desert at sunrise

Despite that, I occasionally have crazy ideas about my hair.  Insane, impulsive ideas, that should be slapped out of my silly head before I go through with them. I dyed my hair black in high school.

Doesn't everyone?

However, I am surrounded by people who either love impulsive ideas (Hi Auntie Cathy!) or pretty much let me do whatever I like (Hi Husband!).  So last month when I had the brilliant idea to perm my hair, no one even questioned the idea. 

My little sister is a licensed cosmetologist, and I spent all of June in Houston, so when I had the brilliant idea to perm my hair, I had a professional on hand to make my hair dreams come true, and all it cost me was the supplies and some babysitting (Hi Shaeleb!).

As time in Houston slipped by, I still held on to the idea I wanted a curly perm.  I was reading The Troy Game series at the time, and all the strong female characters in those books have long, abundant hair that tumbles in loose curls to brush their waists.  I wanted that. 

Yes, I wanted cartoon Princess hair.

I didn't get that.  My hair likes change as much as I do, as in, not at all.  My sister labored for three hours in the middle of the night to perfectly roll my hair, using a piggy-back method.  I still don't know what that means or what she was doing.

Is it hair origami?

After all her hard work, my hair rebelled.  After the first wash I had some nice small loose curls.  After the second, I had some frizzy waves.  After the third, a matted mess at the base of my head, and after the fourth my hair is pretty much the same as it was before, although not as smooth.  Perms break the hair's structure.  My sister told me that and it still didn't scare me enough to change my mind. 

Oh well.  Enough deep conditioning and a couple more months, I won't be able to see the difference.  You won't be able to see the difference now.

*Not as long as my cousin Elizabeth, but mine is totally thicker.

Letter from a dear friend

I know, it's been a while since I've written anything, but I think I deserve a little break considering I just moved 7000 miles and was dropped back into my old life, with the additional challenge that I don't want to be the super depressed person I was before I left.  So I've been keeping busy, but I got an email recently that I just had to share.

Spam filters work so well that it is rare that such an exquisite example of the genre (Spam email) manages to land in my Inbox where I'll actually look at the text.  I usually just skim the subject lines in the Junk folder and then trash it all.  This email, from my good friend Adriana.  I know she's a good friend because she continually refers to me by my pet name of Babe*, rather than my real name.

It begins:

BABE... i guess your not getting any of my email huh? ive been
tryign to email u so many times but this dam laptop is such a piece of
garbage and keeps freezing.. anyways how u been?

I've been well, Adriana, and yourself?  By the way, I don't remember you.  Could you remind me where we met again?

In case u dont know who this is its ME Adriana.. we used to chat a bit on facebook and then
I think u deleted me :( haha.. anyways guess what... I got 2 things to
tell u.. both good news.. 1) im single now.. yup me and my bf broke up
about 3 months ago... and 2) guess where im moving? RIGHT EFFING NEAR
U.. lol... ur actually the only person im gonna know there.. well 3
cousins too but i cant chill with them lol..

I know about cousins.  They are the craziest, amirite? All trying to talk to you because you're related and live nearby.  It's super-annoying. Pray, go on…

I remember when we chatted u told me u thought i was cute and u wanted to chill so now we finally
can HAHA! im kinda scared to move.. im hoping this email addy is still
the one you use and u can chat with me ebfore i get there.. maybe even
help me move my shit in...are u still on facebook? i cudnt find ui was
soo confused...anyways im gonna need someone to show me the town and
take me out so u better be around bebe...

Yes, I probably did tell you you were attractive.  I hate it when women get down on themselves.  Be proud of who you are, Adriana!  I'm not going to help you move though, mostly because you're not a real person, but that's neither here nor there.

we only chatted a couple times but i remember thinking to myself i wanted to get ot know u
better when i was single..a nd i thoguth u were cute too but cudnt
tell u cause i wasnt single lol...ok so more info about me.. well im
23.. virgo.. love the outdoors and love to socialize, go out for
drinks, restaurants, movies etc.. travel.. i have a lil kitty named
BOO and i luv her to death... uhhh oh im a super horny gurl too but
every gurl is they just wont admit it. so ilove watching p0rn and all
that.. love sex etc blah blah blah...who doesnt..

OH! We only chatted a couple of times, and that's why I don't remember you.  And now you're single, 23, and love absolutely everything?  I know just the person for you! Unfortunately, I myself am not available, being a happily married woman of 30, but I'm sure we can work something out.

do u have any hookups or know anybody hiring? id LOVE to work in a bar
or osmehting like that...really anythgin cause my current job is fun
and all.. and technically i CUD keep doign it but i want a change.. i
currently work from home and well thats cool but i need ot be out
meeting people.. oh wait. i dont think i ever actually told u what i
did? hmm shud i......???? ok WELLLL... and dont get all weirded out
on me..

I'm prepared for anything at this point, Adriana.  I'm going to guess you're a gas station attendendant?  No, that would require some mathematics, and you don't appear to have had any but the most basic schooling.  I'm tired of this game, just tell me.

i work on a webcam chat community site and i get paid to chat
with people and get naked HHAHA... BOMB right :)? I KNOW.. like i
figure iim horny anyways why not get paid to chat with people and play
with myself heheh...anyways i hope u dont look down on that and NO
THATS NOT WHY IM CONTACTING U RELAX URSELF lol... i actually need help
once i move and i remembered u live there so im reaching out....like i
said before this computer is a complete piece of CRAP and freezes NON
STOP.. ive tried ot send this email to u maybe 3 times already and im
hopign this time i can hit SEND before i run into trouble lol..

Oh, dear, I think you've already run into trouble, my friend Adriana.  You are a webcam stripper who cannot seem to use a computer properly.  That's problematic in your line of work.  And now you're single you don't have a masculine presence to keep you grounded and fix your computer.  Tragic, really.  How can I help?

ANYWAYS.. heres the deal....every month natalie (my boss) gives each
of us 3 VIP codes to give out to whoever we want.. so with this code u
can lgoin to watch me at work for free and dont have to pay like
everyone else... the only way i can give u one of the codes (so we can
chat) is if you absolutey DO NOT give it out to anyone else and u ONLY
USE IT FOR URSELF... i only get 3 a month and she gets pissed if more
than 3 people use them so DONT SHARE IT MISTER... i figured u cud
always email me back instead but my email account doesnt even let me
login half the time.. so the bets palce ot chat me is my chat room...

Hmm…the offer of chatting with you for free on a webcam would be tempting, but apparently we're already Facebook friends?  So why would I need to do that?  Unless you're having some kind of skin issue that you'd like me to take a look at: suspicious moles, rashes, lice, etc.  Then it would make sense.  But remember, I'm not a doctor, I'm  a random internet person.  You might want to see a professional.  A medical professional, not a professional webcam actress like yourself.

if theres anyone else logged in when u sign in ill boot them out.. but
remember DONT SHARE THIS PASSWORD PLEASE BABE IM BEGGING U.. I TRUST
U...

Your trust is not misplaced, I solemnly swear never to share the password with anyone. 

im online most of the day now to try and save money for my move..
also since im in such a huge debt already form my student loan :( I
really thingk we need to chat before i get there and make sure u evern
remember me hahha.. anyways ive rambled on and on now and ur probably
soooo annnoyed with me so ill stop now..

Annoyed? On the contrary! I'm absolutely delighted with your email!  The content, the grammar, the spelling errors to fool my spam filter, it's a work of brilliance that has brightened my day.

im gonna go start work.. i
really hope u come chat me. it wud make my day and releive a lot of my
stress about the move... REALLY i mean that....anyways once i see u in
insdie ill shoot u myc ell number and u can gimme yours.. if u dont
wanna come chat i understand but its really the only palce to find me
now days..

You're not on Facebook anymore, Adriana?  That's disappointing.  But it does explain why you are so insistent that I check out your webcam.

if u email me abck ill probably get it once i get there
after my internet is setup so about 2-3 weeks fomr now..

It takes you 2-3 weeks to reply to an email?  That's positively rude, not to mention inefficient.  Perhaps you'd benefit from hiring a secretary to handle your correspondence.

but im hopign
to see u in my chat room.. rmemeber its 100% free with this code im
gonna give u.. just DONT GIVE IT OUT OR ILL KICK U IN THE BALLS
INSTEAD OF LICK U IN THE BALLS WHEN IS EE U hahahahha

It seems we must have had a miscommunication somewhere, Adriana (although how that's possible is beyond me, you are most eloquent in your correspondence).  I do not possess any balls that you would want to kick or lick.  I don't even own a kickball.  Well, perhaps we can work something out anyway.  You seem….flexible?

..k babe im out
for now... chat ya soon.. kisses xoxo Adriana

XOXO to you to Adriana.  You are the SpamBot of my dreams. 

*I hate being called Babe.  Don't do it.  Ever.